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Rethinking infidelity … a talk for anyone who has ever loved | Esther Perel


Why do we cheat? And why do happy people cheat? And when we say “infidelity,”
what exactly do we mean? Is it a hookup, a love story,
paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending? Why do we think that men cheat
out of boredom and fear of intimacy, but women cheat out of loneliness
and hunger for intimacy? And is an affair always
the end of a relationship? For the past 10 years,
I have traveled the globe and worked extensively
with hundreds of couples who have been shattered by infidelity. There is one simple act of transgression that can rob a couple
of their relationship, their happiness and their
very identity: an affair. And yet, this extremely common
act is so poorly understood. So this talk is for anyone
who has ever loved. Adultery has existed
since marriage was invented, and so, too, the taboo against it. In fact, infidelity has a tenacity
that marriage can only envy, so much so, that this is
the only commandment that is repeated twice in the Bible: once for doing it, and once
just for thinking about it. (Laughter) So how do we reconcile
what is universally forbidden, yet universally practiced? Now, throughout history, men
practically had a license to cheat with little consequence, and supported by a host
of biological and evolutionary theories that justified their need to roam, so the double standard
is as old as adultery itself. But who knows what’s really going on
under the sheets there, right? Because when it comes to sex, the pressure for men
is to boast and to exaggerate, but the pressure for women
is to hide, minimize and deny, which isn’t surprising when you consider
that there are still nine countries where women can be killed for straying. Now, monogamy used to be
one person for life. Today, monogamy is one person at a time. (Laughter) (Applause) I mean, many of you probably have said, “I am monogamous in all my relationships.” (Laughter) We used to marry, and had sex for the first time. But now we marry, and we stop having sex with others. The fact is that monogamy
had nothing to do with love. Men relied on women’s fidelity in order to know whose children these are, and who gets the cows when I die. Now, everyone wants to know what percentage of people cheat. I’ve been asked that question
since I arrived at this conference. (Laughter) It applies to you. But the definition of infidelity
keeps on expanding: sexting, watching porn, staying
secretly active on dating apps. So because there is no
universally agreed-upon definition of what even constitutes an infidelity, estimates vary widely,
from 26 percent to 75 percent. But on top of it, we are
walking contradictions. So 95 percent of us will say
that it is terribly wrong for our partner to lie
about having an affair, but just about the same
amount of us will say that that’s exactly what we
would do if we were having one. (Laughter) Now, I like this definition
of an affair — it brings together the three key elements: a secretive relationship,
which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection
to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that
the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking. As Marcel Proust said, it’s our imagination that is responsible
for love, not the other person. So it’s never been easier to cheat, and it’s never been more
difficult to keep a secret. And never has infidelity exacted
such a psychological toll. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened
our economic security. But now that marriage
is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens
our emotional security. Ironically, we used to turn to adultery — that was the space where
we sought pure love. But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it. Now, there are three ways that I think
infidelity hurts differently today. We have a romantic ideal
in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion,
my intellectual equal. And I am it: I’m chosen, I’m unique, I’m indispensable, I’m irreplaceable, I’m the one. And infidelity tells me I’m not. It is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters
the grand ambition of love. But if throughout history,
infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of self. So my patient Fernando, he’s plagued. He goes on: “I thought I knew my life. I thought I knew who you were,
who we were as a couple, who I was. Now, I question everything.” Infidelity — a violation of trust,
a crisis of identity. “Can I ever trust you again?” he asks. “Can I ever trust anyone again?” And this is also what my patient
Heather is telling me, when she’s talking to me
about her story with Nick. Married, two kids. Nick just left on a business trip, and Heather is playing
on his iPad with the boys, when she sees a message
appear on the screen: “Can’t wait to see you.” Strange, she thinks,
we just saw each other. And then another message: “Can’t wait to hold you in my arms.” And Heather realizes these are not for her. She also tells me
that her father had affairs, but her mother, she found
one little receipt in the pocket, and a little bit of lipstick
on the collar. Heather, she goes digging, and she finds hundreds of messages, and photos exchanged
and desires expressed. The vivid details
of Nick’s two-year affair unfold in front of her in real time, And it made me think: Affairs in the digital age
are death by a thousand cuts. But then we have another paradox
that we’re dealing with these days. Because of this romantic ideal, we are relying on our partner’s
fidelity with a unique fervor. But we also have never
been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are
entitled to pursue our desires, because this is the culture
where I deserve to be happy. And if we used to divorce
because we were unhappy, today we divorce
because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. So Heather, she can’t talk to her friends because she’s afraid that they
will judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she turns,
she gets the same advice: Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb. And if the situation were reversed,
Nick would be in the same situation. Staying is the new shame. So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption
is that if someone cheats, either there’s something wrong
in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people
can’t all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you
have everything you need at home, then there is no need
to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such
a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion
has a finite shelf life? What if there are things
that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about? The vast majority of people
that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are
deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner. But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have
actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything. But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression
of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair,
you will often find a longing and a yearning
for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom,
for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture
lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back
vitality in the face of loss and tragedy. I’m thinking about
another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man. But she also tells me that she’s always done
what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents. Priya, she fell for the arborist
who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. And with his truck and his tattoos,
he’s quite the opposite of her. But at 47, Priya’s affair is about
the adolescence that she never had. And her story highlights for me
that when we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner
that we are turning away from, but the person that
we have ourselves become. And it isn’t so much that we’re
looking for another person, as much as we are
looking for another self. Now, all over the world, there is one word that people
who have affairs always tell me. They feel alive. And they often will tell me
stories of recent losses — of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor. Death and mortality often live
in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another
25 years like this? Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think
that perhaps these questions are the ones that propel
people to cross the line, and that some affairs are
an attempt to beat back deadness, in an antidote to death. And contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex,
and a lot more about desire: desire for attention,
desire to feel special, desire to feel important. And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can
never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting
that which you can’t have. Now some of you probably think that affairs don’t happen
in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation
about monogamy is not the same as the conversation about infidelity. But the fact is that it seems
that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured
by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which
we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really
doing what we want to. And I’ve also told
quite a few of my patients that if they could bring
into their relationships one tenth of the boldness,
the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me. (Laughter) So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were
already dying on the vine. But others will jolt us
into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced
affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able
to turn a crisis into an opportunity. They’ll be able to turn this
into a generative experience. And I’m actually thinking even
more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, “You think I didn’t want more? But I’m not the one who did it.” But now that the affair is exposed, they, too, get to claim more, and they no longer have
to uphold the status quo that may not have been working
for them that well, either. I’ve noticed that a lot of couples, in the immediate aftermath of an affair, because of this new disorder
that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations
with honesty and openness that they haven’t had in decades. And, partners who were
sexually indifferent find themselves suddenly
so lustfully voracious, they don’t know where it’s coming from. Something about the fear
of loss will rekindle desire, and make way for an entirely
new kind of truth. So when an affair is exposed, what are some of the specific things
that couples can do? We know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator
acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the partner who had the affair, for Nick, one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential,
important act of expressing guilt and remorse for hurting his wife. But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot
of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty
for hurting their partner, but they don’t feel guilty
for the experience of the affair itself. And that distinction is important. And Nick, he needs to hold
vigil for the relationship. He needs to become, for a while,
the protector of the boundaries. It’s his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession, and from having to make sure
that the affair isn’t forgotten, and that in itself
begins to restore trust. But for Heather, or deceived partners, it is essential to do things
that bring back a sense of self-worth, to surround oneself with love
and with friends and activities that give back joy
and meaning and identity. But even more important, is to curb the curiosity
to mine for the sordid details — Where were you? Where did you do it? How often? Is she better
than me in bed? — questions that only inflict more pain, and keep you awake at night. And instead, switch to what I call
the investigative questions, the ones that mine
the meaning and the motives — What did this affair mean for you? What were you able to express
or experience there that you could no longer do with me? What was it like for you
when you came home? What is it about us that you value? Are you pleased this is over? Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be. But affairs are here to stay,
and they’re not going away. And the dilemmas of love and desire, they don’t yield just simple answers
of black and white and good and bad, and victim and perpetrator. Betrayal in a relationship
comes in many forms. There are many ways
that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only
one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage. Now, you’ve listened to me, and I know what you’re thinking: She has a French accent,
she must be pro-affair. (Laughter) So, you’re wrong. I am not French. (Laughter) (Applause) And I’m not pro-affair. But because I think that good
can come out of an affair, I have often been asked
this very strange question: Would I ever recommend it? Now, I would no more
recommend you have an affair than I would recommend you have cancer, and yet we know that people
who have been ill often talk about how their illness
has yielded them a new perspective. The main question that I’ve been asked
since I arrived at this conference when I said I would talk
about infidelity is, for or against? I said, “Yes.” (Laughter) I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and self-discovery on the other — what it did to you,
and what it meant for me. And so when a couple comes to me
in the aftermath of an affair that has been revealed, I will often tell them this: Today in the West, most of us are going to have
two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going
to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create
a second one together? Thank you. (Applause)

100 Comments

  1. Victoria Hadden
    Victoria Hadden September 19, 2019

    Nice content, I felt cheated recently and i needed to make sure my instincts were true until i was referred to a hacking company who took care of the hack job. They hacked him ans I’m so glad i had a proven truth that he was cheating. Contact them if you need any of their services on @brandhackers1 on Instagram or chat them up on WhatsApp +19163042321

  2. Tzwixi
    Tzwixi September 21, 2019

    This lady is saying nothing else than what they want to hear. People want to hear they are not bad and so on. Tell them about the truth and they run away.

  3. Mandy Schmitt
    Mandy Schmitt September 21, 2019

    12:14

  4. Latifa Hajar
    Latifa Hajar September 22, 2019

    A death by a thousand cuts, so true, infidelity hurts

  5. Yuko Uchida
    Yuko Uchida September 22, 2019

    If you want to cheat someone who loves you and trust you, divorce her/him and do whatever you want to do. You can't have every thing.

  6. cisa93
    cisa93 September 22, 2019

    I have heard several women say this many times, “Happy wife, Happy Life!” Husbands that couldn’t reach the level of expectations she and her friends preached. Some of these husbands had secret affairs, they wanted validation and understanding. They got it from another woman…..sad I say truly sad!

  7. thisnametooktolong
    thisnametooktolong September 22, 2019

    Absoluty clueless: The only thing she had correct is the contract of children. After that, she is 100% wrong.

  8. Yaya Por
    Yaya Por September 22, 2019

    𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐧𝐨 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐜𝐲 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬, 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩, 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐲𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐩𝐲𝐡𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐭𝐬𝐩𝐩 +𝟏 𝟒𝟎𝟗 𝟑𝟒𝟒 𝟓𝟗𝟖𝟐 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐥 𝐜𝐲𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐩𝐲𝐡𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟕@𝐠𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐥.𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐬. 𝐇𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐥 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐈 𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐦, 𝐬𝐨 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐢𝐦. 𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐢𝐭 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡.

  9. Cat Dearlove
    Cat Dearlove September 22, 2019

    thank you, for the most powerful messages i have received all year.

  10. Raziel354
    Raziel354 September 25, 2019

    People will always make an excuse for why they do it, there is not real universal reason, just different excuses.

  11. Ellery Cole
    Ellery Cole September 26, 2019

    I respect this lady a lot.

  12. vmwindustries
    vmwindustries September 26, 2019

    I told my wife that I found files where she was cheating, via Facebook, and she said she won't talk about it,but if I delete it all she will stay as long as I never say anything about it! Is that love? I doubt it! I wanted to cheat a lot of times, and had chances! But I didn't!

  13. enter a name here
    enter a name here September 26, 2019

    This is the most level headed argument I’ve seen towards this subject.

  14. enter a name here
    enter a name here September 26, 2019

    Every woman seeing this heard I need to have an affair
    Every man heard my wife cheated on me or is going to

  15. enter a name here
    enter a name here September 26, 2019

    I don’t know if it’s her accent, but she’s is absolutely gorgeous. She’s my mom’s age and it feels awkward that I want to make love to her: 🥴

  16. Holographic Multiverse
    Holographic Multiverse September 26, 2019

    Who cares? Nobody is interested in dating or marriage. These talks need to catch up with the times. The New Race is superior

  17. Spaghetti Monster
    Spaghetti Monster September 27, 2019

    Thats a tough sell "Monogamy had nothing to do with love" This all goes so much deeper. The stability of a family unit, self respect, respect for others, honestly and on and on…. Thats not to say Olga isnt super hot lol

  18. Alloy Candoso
    Alloy Candoso September 27, 2019

    I give accolades to 247hack365 .info because getting access to my partner device is something i never knew it work,i says their level of operation is tactical

  19. kael_as
    kael_as September 27, 2019

    Nice points. I am currently taking the road where we start anew after such an incident, where we have conversations on a much deeper level, and etc. I just wonder…when does the pain of betrayal go away? I am really trying to look on the bright side and not look back, but I just can't get it out of my head… It's been almost a month since I learnt about it all.

  20. Anonymity
    Anonymity September 27, 2019

    Tough to hear but useful

  21. Marc Padilla
    Marc Padilla September 28, 2019

    I only cheated when my wife kicked me out for cheating. Joke.I never cheated because the few opportunities that presented themselves were damaged and I knew it would destroy my marriage. There was no way I was going to get away with it.

  22. HOSTILE MGTOW
    HOSTILE MGTOW September 28, 2019

    MGTOW 🔴

  23. Kirk Bates
    Kirk Bates September 28, 2019

    a happy ending is not cheating

  24. Heinz Kohut
    Heinz Kohut September 28, 2019

    Why „heal“ from affairs? Why not abolish jalousy? Why not abolish narcisism?

  25. Saskia Burm
    Saskia Burm September 29, 2019

    Such a powerful end,

  26. me oh
    me oh September 30, 2019

    estimate terribly vary when it comes to the definition of a relationship

  27. i n e z
    i n e z September 30, 2019

    8:36 to 8:39. What is said? Cant understand. "Affairs in the digital age… what??"
    Thank you.
    Love the work!

  28. i n e z
    i n e z September 30, 2019

    12:35–12:37: great great reflexion!!! Brilliant.

  29. Cecelia Bleeker
    Cecelia Bleeker October 1, 2019

    Yea, cheating is a betrayal.

  30. Perpetuant
    Perpetuant October 1, 2019

    Wish people would stop interchanging love and lust.

  31. Bad Puppy
    Bad Puppy October 1, 2019

    The real issue is this: marriage is the point where you decide that this is the one I’m really going to work hard to keep, but way to many people think that marriage is the point where I get to slack.

    Add to that the fact that in the US, marriage has been weaponized against men, therefore it changes the actual dynamics of the relationship and we wonder why marriage is dying.

  32. Durat Melibone
    Durat Melibone October 2, 2019

    I want her so bad.

  33. Exodo 23:24
    Exodo 23:24 October 2, 2019

    Pro.30: 20 Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done no wickedness.

    Ecc.7: 27Behold, this have I found, saith the preacher, counting one by one, to find out the account: 28Which yet my soul seeketh, but I find not: one man among a thousand have I found; but a woman among all those have I not found. 29Lo, this only have I found, that God hath made man upright; but they have sought out many inventions.

    Deu.24: 1 When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house.

    2 And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another man's wife.

    3 And if the latter husband hate her, and write her a bill of divorcement, and giveth it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife;

    4 Her former husband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is abomination before the Lord: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the Lord thy God giveth thee for an inheritance.

  34. Theguy Onthecouch
    Theguy Onthecouch October 2, 2019

    The second she strays it's over. Period. No exceptions.

  35. ThePsychopompos1
    ThePsychopompos1 October 2, 2019

    The real question today is: why would any man have a relationship with a woman?

  36. lime light
    lime light October 2, 2019

    I think it's funny that we're always held accountable for our crimes, our work ethic, and our finances, yet when it comes to our responsibility with how we treat others in our intimate lives we're allowed to excuse our bad behaviors away. Whether that is failing to show up to a friends important event that you RSVP'D to or cheating on your romantic partner. At the end of the day, regardless of "why" you hurt your loved one, you still made an active and deliberate choice to not consider them and your responsibility to them as a friend, family member, or lover. Cheating isn't one step, its a multistep process. And it's a process that selfishly restricts your partner from having the same freedoms to access. Regardless of the intentions behind the cheating, it isn't fair to keep someone else emotionally, mentally, and sexually restricted while you yourself get to roam freely.

  37. Jagdeep Singh Uppal
    Jagdeep Singh Uppal October 3, 2019

    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

  38. CONSA. CLR
    CONSA. CLR October 4, 2019

    Thot!!!!!!!!!

  39. Polar Bear
    Polar Bear October 4, 2019

    That was an amazing perspective! Thank you

  40. K Dawg
    K Dawg October 5, 2019

    One of the best talks ever

  41. Miss Cakes
    Miss Cakes October 5, 2019

    What a loser.

  42. Miss Cakes
    Miss Cakes October 5, 2019

    Loves her husband..but…

  43. augreich
    augreich October 5, 2019

    It's called the moral degradation of society

  44. Guybon Berrnico
    Guybon Berrnico October 5, 2019

    Absolutely brilliant speaker!!!

  45. Unah Pita
    Unah Pita October 6, 2019

    I think people seriously don't realize how traumatizing it is to be cheated on. I really have a hard time understanding that. People really think cheating is ok –that hurting people is the cool thing to do and being loyal is this taboo nasty thing. That's crazy!

  46. smartchip
    smartchip October 6, 2019

    Sophistry, checkout mgtow, this is just ramblings, a shot gun splatter that invariably hits a truism by chance rather than by design,

  47. Ricky Patton
    Ricky Patton October 6, 2019

    @6:05 or @6:14 — That mental list that she recites of which builds the layered definition of what a "Partner" in monogamy, a true "Lover" IS and how it is/was impressed upon our Cognitive Blueprint thereof it's, aw may'an it's just SO spot on… it's perfect. Such a simple yet precise defining construct; it just gets right to the point.

  48. Derek Finch
    Derek Finch October 6, 2019

    At the end of the day these points this year's discussing is a property paid it is all about talking about not one-sided issues but the issues affect men and women all over the world and the way different cultures deal with Being Human

  49. Derek Finch
    Derek Finch October 6, 2019

    If you take into account in a Middle Eastern countries especially Muslims they are allowed to cheat and never be questions about their infidelity with other women so they treat women as less equal than men to such an extent that they don't consider women to be equals in anyway

  50. John D
    John D October 6, 2019

    The grass always looks greener on the other side of the road.
    It’s only when you cross the road and realise the grass has more weeds than what you had.
    It’s at this point you realise you fucked up.

  51. Robert Robinson
    Robert Robinson October 7, 2019

    I’m glad this vid is still up
    She opened my eyes had a open marriage for years. Then all in one swoop she got a boyfriend and wanted a divorce
    On my side I loved her only did everything she wanted or needed I thought I was always honest and open with her. But apparently she had other thoughts
    It’s been tremendous hard for the last five years trying to understand
    This helped me
    Very much thanks and bless you

  52. Birse_ _Bru
    Birse_ _Bru October 7, 2019

    Great video, ifyou cheated to be with someone then the likelihood you’ll cheat on that person is nearly 100%. You can’t change your nature. Men and women do it for different reasons, the urge will always be there.

  53. TheRABIDdude
    TheRABIDdude October 7, 2019

    12:21 Wow. Just brilliant!
    "It isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn't so much that we are looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self."

  54. Elzidoe
    Elzidoe October 8, 2019

    I just about assume most women will step out. I don't even care unless it has me out here looking super crazy.

  55. losenamor
    losenamor October 8, 2019

    Im like trying to understand monogamy… the whole time wondering if Esther is single. LOL

  56. alfredo ruiz
    alfredo ruiz October 8, 2019

    It’s true white liberals are the children of the lie.!!!???

  57. John Dory
    John Dory October 8, 2019

    WTF. A slag is a slag. I hate players. .. This woman is a heathen..

  58. Descartes' Apparition
    Descartes' Apparition October 8, 2019

    I think she just wanted to cheat on her partner.

  59. Chemical Ollie
    Chemical Ollie October 8, 2019

    F’ing boomers trying to justify destroying western values.

  60. Papa Grab
    Papa Grab October 8, 2019

    9 countries where women can be killed for infidelity.
    Gee I wonder what sick and dangerous ideology those countries share?

  61. Paula Gałązka
    Paula Gałązka October 8, 2019

    My self confidence was destroyed by cheating. All thanks to mansard securities for making me discover the truth and get out early

  62. James W Roberts Jr
    James W Roberts Jr October 8, 2019

    Remember its a woman speaking

  63. James W Roberts Jr
    James W Roberts Jr October 8, 2019

    My perp will pay by Gods hand

  64. James W Roberts Jr
    James W Roberts Jr October 8, 2019

    Europal is the antichrist

  65. Keith Walker
    Keith Walker October 8, 2019

    If your gonna do it do it together.

  66. Stephen Garland
    Stephen Garland October 8, 2019

    I didn’t even have to look. Another jewess undermining the family and Christian culture. This is what they do and it has been hugely successful. Divorce rates in Christian countries skyrocketing and destroying the lives of millions of children. Read studies on the difference of the success rate of two parent children versus children in single parent homes. Wonder why Asians are so successful? Highest rate of intact families of any ethnic group.

  67. Itwasreal Inmymind
    Itwasreal Inmymind October 8, 2019

    Every single time.

  68. Keith Walker
    Keith Walker October 8, 2019

    Can’t argue with Truth!

  69. Gary from GLASGOW
    Gary from GLASGOW October 8, 2019

    Once she's cheated DUMP her forever. Once the trust has gone it's never the same. Fornication and adultery is WRONG. Forgive her yes but let her go and seek a genuine woman of virtue. This CLOWN isn't worth listening to ignore her gentlemen.

  70. Steven J Bossley
    Steven J Bossley October 9, 2019

    👍🇨🇦

  71. Aldridge
    Aldridge October 9, 2019

    I just came here to read all of the cheaters' comments in how they rationalize their cheating. I wasn't disappointed.

  72. Bob Caygeon
    Bob Caygeon October 9, 2019

    I cheat and a baby is the result, I’m held responsible for it, my wife cheats and a

  73. Chris Zealotes
    Chris Zealotes October 9, 2019

    Most long term cultures say adultery destroys relationships…..no theory…no Hollywood fantasy….no hip cool idea….destroys.

  74. david lee
    david lee October 9, 2019

    Rethinking of Murder will be the next Ted talk….

  75. Herbalattraction3000
    Herbalattraction3000 October 9, 2019

    I'll rather die than being unfaithfull. I have ny honor, unlike some people.

  76. Brandi Keegan
    Brandi Keegan October 9, 2019

    cheating isn't a mistake but a choice and don't be surprised if you are cheated on because when you could nurture your relationship, you was busy bringing besties. to have a long lasting relationship, one need to monitor the relationship by hiring hackerrperrera47 at Ya*h*oO* dotcome to spy on your spouse to avoid heartbreaking for the rest of life. #based on personal experience..

  77. Mark A Wonagstedt
    Mark A Wonagstedt October 9, 2019

    I never watched the video. I am done learning about cheaters. They aren't worth my time. I did find the comment section riveting. I can drop this for you: if you want to know why men cheat, read about polygamy, if you want to learn why women cheat read about hypergamy or just that they want to . No one cheats because "insert lame excuse"….once a cheater, always a cheater.

  78. Mithotyn444
    Mithotyn444 October 9, 2019

    Marriage has lost it function as a small survival group in rich nation. Either through wellfare or alimony which is force labor through state power. Both of them.

    It's prominent function is now reduced down to [email protected] restriction.

  79. e gorsk
    e gorsk October 9, 2019

    I'm gonna marry the first woman I understand . It's been 51 years so far no luck

  80. Floda Brin
    Floda Brin October 9, 2019

    You can't get cheated on if you stay single

  81. Robin Herrero
    Robin Herrero October 9, 2019

    this is a perfect example of a belgian accent

  82. Dr Aarti Sharma
    Dr Aarti Sharma October 10, 2019

    Absolutely fresh and fantastic.

  83. jonathan bacon
    jonathan bacon October 10, 2019

    Bunch of liberal horse hockey

  84. FreedMan76
    FreedMan76 October 10, 2019

    Women have no shame. Feminism has brought their emotional instability, narcissism and hypergamy out into the open. They've now become so untrustworthy and unpleasant to be around that men are walking away by the millions.

  85. JANET KABACHUNGUZI
    JANET KABACHUNGUZI October 10, 2019

    Best TEDTalk ever. So eye opening

  86. r0flc0ptah
    r0flc0ptah October 10, 2019

    The love of my life tore me down and threatened to dump me until I finally started to believe she would, and I cheated online. Now she won't ever forgive me and I have to find a new purpose in life.

  87. Remote Viewer 1
    Remote Viewer 1 October 10, 2019

    Poor moral character excuses itself. It gives no warning to its partner. It only cares for itself. Excuse away. No one wants to be treated poorly. Cheat, and live with a lifetime of regret.

  88. Doctor Damian
    Doctor Damian October 10, 2019

    𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐧𝐨 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐫 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐜𝐲 𝐢𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬, 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩, 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐭𝐨 Hasan through 𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐥 [email protected]𝐠𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐥.𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐬. 𝐇𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐥 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐈 𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐦, 𝐬𝐨 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐢𝐦. 𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭

  89. BJERKASS
    BJERKASS October 10, 2019

    Please keep WE out ur mouth

  90. BJERKASS
    BJERKASS October 10, 2019

    How to you heal from an affair…. Divorce.

  91. Matthew Blake
    Matthew Blake October 10, 2019

    are u serious lady?

  92. Buck Rogers 2000
    Buck Rogers 2000 October 10, 2019

    This is DEEEEEPPPPP!!!! My favorite line is They're not turning away from their partner but what they themselves have become. DAyyymmm!

  93. xia lee
    xia lee October 10, 2019

    Nice content, I felt cheated recently and i needed to make sure my instincts were true until i was referred to a hacking company who took care of the hack job. They hacked him ans I’m so glad i had a proven truth that he was cheating. Contact them if you need any of their services on [email protected] or chat them up on WhatsApp +15593760021

  94. neemguy81
    neemguy81 October 11, 2019

    If you have promised to not, and you do, then your integrity is nothing. Don't promise. Do keep your word. If you can't keep your word, end the relationship before you break it.

  95. Another Agent
    Another Agent October 11, 2019

    Islam was right about women.

  96. zumzy u
    zumzy u October 11, 2019

    Honestly, total trust shouldn’t be overemphasized in a relationship. Smartness is also very important.There’s a popular saying that “don’t trust too much because that too much might hurt you so much”. My greatest disappointment was discovering my wife cheating on me through the help of Cyberhackingsage who helped cloned her cell phone. All i did was share my wife’s number with Cyberhackingsage and i got access to her Facebook, WhatsApp and text messages both deleted and incoming ones with a link on my phone. Contact him, he’s a genius. ( [email protected] )thank me later.

  97. Doctor Damian
    Doctor Damian October 11, 2019

    Nice content, I felt cheated recently and i needed to make sure my instincts were true until i was referred to a hacking company who took care of the hack job. They hacked him and I’m so glad i had a proven truth that he was cheating. Contact them if you need any of their services on [email protected] thanks Hasan

  98. richard watson
    richard watson October 11, 2019

    What a big arsed boot no wonder she likes infidelity – gets it wherever she can.

  99. JPLX Labelle
    JPLX Labelle October 11, 2019

    Just "lol"

  100. Derek Whitbread
    Derek Whitbread October 11, 2019

    Having an affair is due to social set up of the relationship ladder were it starts as acquaintance, friend, boy/girlfriend, marriage and then affaires/lovers/extra. How about butting the lover between friend and boy/girlfriend and have this all happen before one gets deeply into a relationship with the one we will marry. This would resolve all of this. The last part of her discussion is what happens in the lover stage and it also let's one see who the other is. First of love your self and have the affaire with yourself through having it with others. Society will sham women especially by lying to them by calling them slutty and having it as being a bad thing. Here is a different look at what it means to be slutty and then the word represents both genders SLUTTY is to be

    Sexually, Liberated, Unapologetic, True, To, Yourself

    Breakdown of each of the first three words and the combination of last three.

    Sexually : take away the religious and social restraints and due to our ability to prevent having children we are now a days. truly able to dive into our sexual desires and explore them on a interpersonal realm with other consenting adults.

    Liberated: slows one to do, be, act however one wishes as long as they take responsibility for their actions or lack of action. (Now society has no problem in one taking responsibly for the good that happens in their life, when though something happens bad society suggests that it's an outwardly issue it's not you blame someone or something else and this is how society as a hole keeps us from truly being liberated) If one takes apon themselves to accept the positive outcome they also have to take responsibility for the negative outcome of their action or lack of action as it's only the opposite side of the same coin.

    Unapologetic : (one needs to apologize when they act not in accordance to how they think they need to act) unapologetic comes into play is when is that you don't need to apologize on behave of another. This is an issue that comes up in an abousive relationship where as an example the abused will when confronted say something like this "they didn't mean it, it's just work is hard and it's just their way of letting of a little steam" this is the abused individual way of apologizing for the actions of the abuser. Another example I come across is going into a place to buy something and the store clerk apologizing about how a product is not available it's not the store clerks responsibility to have the product there it the manager or owners responsibility.

    True, To, Yourself: example of me being true to myself I am loving, understanding, patient, considerate extra Now if others don't treat me in kind they will have to apologize on their behave and then prove over time that they have changed.

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