JOSH HOROWITZ: Alright guys,
thanks for being here. I feel like this is
an important first step, acknowledging you have a problem,
that’s really where it all begins. Who’s gonna begin? QUICKSILVER: Uh-uh. CYCLOPS: Yeah, I’ll go. My name’s Scott, and I’ll just say it: being in X-Men sucks. ALL: Hi Scott.
CYCLOPS: Hey. JOSH: Anybody here sympathize with
what Scott’s talking about? QUICKSILVER: Yeah,
I mean I hear you, man. Been around a little bit
longer than you, but these head games
that Professor X plays still really bother me. JOSH: Head games, you mean he’s pitting
you guys against each other? QUICKSILVER: No no no,
like he’s literally getting inside my head and, like, #*¢%ing around. CYCLOPS: Yeah, you know,
I’ll be dreaming about Jean and then all of a sudden there’s a clown
with his face, just tickling me. JOSH: You’re talking about—
it’s a dream, though, he’s not actually
in your room doing that. CYCLOPS: Well yeah, both. JOSH: Oh my god. STORM: Yes, he’s not a good
parental figure. JUBILEE: Says the girl
who looks up to a guy named Apocalypse? QUICKSILVER: Wait, can we talk
about parental figures? Because my dad is a total
#*¢%ing ass#*@. JUBILEE: Well have you seen his helmet? I mean he’s clearly
compensating for something. QUICKSILVER: Okay, I can rip on my dad
because he’s my dad. Not you, you can’t rip on my dad. JOSH: Oh, that’s fine,
that’s good, that’s good progress. QUICKSILVER: It’s not fine. JOSH: All due respect,
Jubilee’s got perspective on this, too. JUBILEE: Yeah.
JOSH: So let’s just respect that. STORM: It’s valid.
JUBILEE: Thank you. JOSH: Okay,
maybe stop staring at her because that’s probably
off-putting for her. You guys good? QUICKSILVER: We’re good.
JUBILEE: Fine. QUICKSILVER: We’re good here.
JOSH: Okay, moving on— JUBILEE: Stop looking at me. JOSH: Storm, you had something
to say I feel like, right? STORM: Why is Mystique
naked all the time? Like, it’s a school,
there are children around. Put on some clothes!
I see your vagina! QUICKSILVER: You couldn’t even tell,
with all those scales. JUBILEE: So you’re gross,
just to point that out there. And I would like
to speak about our name: I don’t like it. JOSH: How’s that—
STORM: Yes, why is it X-Men? Why can’t it be X-People? QUICKSILVER: It just sounds better,
X-Men. CYCLOPS: You guys want to talk
about hair for a second? QUICKSILVER: What about my hair?
JUBILEE: It’s— all different kinds— CYCLOPS: No, Beast, Guys, it’s Beast.
He’s gotta go. I mean did you see what he did
to the shower drain last week? QUICKSILVER: [retches]
CYCLOPS: All the blue fur? JUBILEE: It was nasty.
STORM: It was bad. QUICKSILVER: Yeah that was bad. STORM: Honestly, I’m more bothered
by you and your girlfriend, though. QUICKSILVER: Oh my god,
you guys are making everyone sick. I saw what you were doing
in the Danger Room the other day, the floating 69 you guys were doing. CYCLOPS: Don’t you bring Jean into this. You know that’s not the problem
and you know that we were using protection. QUICKSILVER: I don’t see
any potential issues with Jean. Pfft, right?
STORM: [laughs] CYCLOPS: Okay, give it a rest
Anderson Cooper. QUICKSILVER: Oh that’s cute,
the hair, I get it, yeah. You know, just because
you’re wearing shades doesn’t make you cool. STORM: Ooo!
CYCLOPS: Okay Captain Goggles, well just because your name’s Quicksilver
doesn’t make you an Avenger. STORM: Oh! QUICKSILVER: You know,
legally I’m not able to respond to that. JOSH: Okay, okay,
that’s great, that’s great. Hey, no, I think emotion
is good in this situation. We made some progress, right?
Everybody feel good? QUICKSILVER: Oh I feel great.
CYCLOPS: I feel a lot better. JOSH: That’s awesome, man, congrats.
CYCLOPS: Oh, my glasses— QUICKSILVER: AHH $#!+!
ALL: [screaming in agony]